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1月31日 DreamsSo, I had very elaborate dreams last night about people I went to elementary school and high school with. I dreamed that after several years, we all had to go back now to graduate. I had to wear white shoes with a blue graduation robe. I took off one shoe and then forgot to put it back on when it was time to line up. I wasn't as concerned about not having a shoe on as I was that it wouldn't be there after graduation and things were all cleaned up.
Anyway, the people in the dream...just insane. Todd Sommerville, Steven Starcher, Dickie Thacker (who I dreamed was now a preacher)...these are people I haven't thought of in years. I'm talking elementary school for a few. They wouldn't even know me now. For that matter, I probably wouldn't know them. A really, really weird night.
-b
p.s. The white shoe thing, I'm sure, comes from a recent cover of my college magazine. The new president of WV Wesleyan is on there wearing the black graduation robe with white pumps...at the fall Homecoming. In case you're unfamiliar with the rules, in our area, you don't wear white shoes before Easter or after Labor Day. I've been bothered by her shoes since I got the magazine. I threw it away last night. 1月30日 lunaticsSo I was driving down the interstate this morning minding my own business and this man starts driving next to me flipping me off like a crazed lunatic. I hadn't even changed lanes so I couldn't have cut him off earlier in traffic. I do think I'd passed him...just in the regular flow of traffic--not as a threat to his manhood or anything. I honestly have no idea. He followed me all the way to the office before he turned around.
Judge me if you want and honor your own convictions as you choose, but it was quite comforting in that moment to know I hold a legal permit to carry a handgun . People are insane.
 -b 1月26日 I am woman, hear me roar...Have you seen this? I think she gives new meaning to the phrase, "I'm Every Woman."
Quote Wife clubs mountain lion attacking man - U.S. Life - MSNBC.com -b 1月25日 WWJD...so some poor soul with particulary bad timing said to me regarding the current Gold's Gym fiasco:
I, of course, replied:
...flies, gnats, frogs, BOILS! Jesus wouldn't have put with this junk, either.
-b
1月24日 Gold's Gym...Booooooooooo!Well, I'm mad at Gold's Gym. Therefore, I shall vent.
I signed a contract last February for a $29/monthly membership. They have charged me $39 every month, though, and so I've been trying patiently to get it worked out. At the beginning of the month, though, I realized the absurdity that this is still going on and so I fired off an email to both my local club and the corporate office.
Last summer a girl who works at the gym took my copy of the agreement which said $29 monthly, swiped a copy of my card so she could correct the amount and assured it me it would be fixed. Needless to say, it's January and it's still not fixed.
Josh, who is the guy in the Gold's Gym corporate office, sent me an email last week and told me to fax him a copy of the $29 dollar agreement. He said his copy says $39.
WHAT?
I emailed Josh to explain that I'd already turned in my $29 copy to my local gym and that he should have it. Josh sent an email back to me asking me to fax him a copy of the $29 agreement.
--Once again, for those following along at home, I GAVE IT TO THE LOCAL GYM ALREADY! (sidenote: I know. I should have kept a copy of what I turned it. That's when they got me.)--
So, today, I email Josh and ask him to fax me a copy of my agreement. He emailed back and said that he didn't have a copy of the $29 agreement. I told him that I realized that and I'd like a copy of the agreement which he has for my own records. After exchanging all these emails with Josh, he replies:
What??????? He's HOLDING the agreement with MY signature and he won't just fax it to me? Forgot your corporate policy. Stop holding my agreement hostage!
I was very careful in reading the contract when I signed it because I had a weird feeling this would happen. (Always go with your gut feeling, friends.) I was led to believe I was signing a $29/month agreement.
BUT here's one better: she said she'd give me the $29/month rate if I signed a two-year contract. I'm now $120 down and they're winning.
Josh said today that he'd spoken with upper level management and that as a concession they'll consider letting me out of the contract.
So, what's a girl to do? It's a nice gym. I like going there...well, I used to. Now it just makes me mad. It's not the $10. It's the principle. I don't like dealing with people who don't honor their agreements. I guess when I get on the stationary bike, my irritation does make me pedal faster...
Here's the moral of the story: Keep a copy of the copy. If you don't, it's 'thank you, sir, may I have another.' 
-b
1月23日 RevolutionToday for lunch I had a frozen meal.
Here is an excerpt from the preparation instructions:
"Open film pouch to remove plastic overwrap from panini halves and REVOLUTIONARY GRILLING TRAY."
I'm not sure why they deemed it necessary to bold the word 'open,' but I'm even more taken with the bold and all caps which 'revolutionary grilling tray' scored.
Do you really think a grilling tray (a.k.a. a small silver disk) is 'revolutionary?' Revolutionary? Seriously?
Just wondering.
-b
(...if you say the word 'revolutionary' over and over it will start to sound funny.)
1月22日 Geography 101I hung out with a friend this weekend who puts together song classes. She's one of my favorite people--fills a unique place in my circle that will forever belong to her.
She'd facilitated a weekend seminar by a California writer who is one of my faves, so I stopped in here and there to check it out. It was great to finally meet him. He invited Kathy Mattea to come speak as a special guest on Saturday. Kathy is a country artist. Used to be the big deal, but her career is a little different now. Look at the current faces of country music and you'll understand. She's not 12. Nonetheless, she's very talented and respected. Look for her new record to be coming out in a few months...coal songs...going to be very cool.
Anyway, she spoke for about an hour and I was surprisingly impressed. She seems like a truly extraordinary person. She seems to have a depth that I don't necessarily associate with all country artists. Some, of course, but not all.
Kathy is from just outside of Charleston, WV. I am from just outside of Charleston, WV, but not the same town. One of my pet peeves is when I tell someone that I'm from West Virginia and they proceed to tell me about the relatives they have in Virginia. Here's the thing: West Virginia and Virginia are two completely different states. Actually, I'm western West Virginia...not close to the state of Virginia at all. So, when someone says to me, "Hey, I have relatives in Roanoke!," it would be the equivalent of my saying back to them, "Oh, I have relatives in Spokane, Washington!"
But, I don't.
For a while now, I'd determined that this is my personal cross. A cruel joke being played on me by the Leprechauns of Geography. One day they'll break me down and I'll just give up and start believing myself that I'm from the state of Virginia rather than West Virginia.  So, I was sitting out with my friend close to the exit as Kathy was leaving on Saturday and this gentleman walked up to her. As enthusiastically as ever, he said, "Kathy! You're from West Virginia? I have some relatives in Roanoke!"
She replied, kindly and warmly, "Roots run deep, don't they?"
Brilliant!!!!!!!! That's the perfect reply. Absolutely brilliant!
Go Mountaineers--
-b
1月18日 yuck
I was in Wal-Green's yesterday afternoon picking up some random things. I stood at the check-out and ran my debit card through at precisely the moment when the debit card machine stopped working. So, I stood there waiting.
And waiting.
I admit, I was little over the situtation, but the fact that the cashier WOULD NOT STOP DIGGING into her scalp with her grotesque 8 inch long perfectly squared fake nails...well, I was on the verge of vomit. You would've thought she was digging for golden clams. SCRATCH. SCRATCH. SCRATCH.
You know how sometimes you just blurt stuff out without thinking it through? Well, with absolutely zero warning to even myself, I snapped at her, "Why are you scratching your head?"
In that split second I kind of felt bad. As I readied myself to apologize for being so rude and for hurting her feelings, she came to me with nothing I was expecting.
With this sort of conspiritorial enthusiam, she pepped right up and said, "Girl, I don't know, but it's just itching me to death!" And she dug in further.
Excellent.
-b 1月17日 Dear Renee Zellweger,I'm writing to you about your appearance on the "Tonight Show" Friday night. I feel like we have a bit of a connection since you were once fraudulently married to Kenny Chesney and, well, I wasn't. Hence, it behooves me to talk to you as a friend. First, I like you. I wouldn't take the time to do this if I didn't. I think you do good work and I usually like your movies. I'm looking foward to seeing "Miss Potter" once it finally opens in Nashville and I still watch the first "Bridget Jones" upon occasion. Now, regarding the dress you wore Friday night. Obviously your dress was tight and you couldn't breathe well. That's probably why you sat on the edge of the chair and looked so uncomfortable throughout the interview with Jay. Personally, I was afraid your head was going to pop off from your body being squeezed so; however, I also acknowledge that getting even one leg of mine into that dress would take an act of the Almighty, and so I salute you for being able to maneuver your entire body into it. Being in Hollywood, I know that sometimes you just have to suffer. Most importantly, though, I think it's time that someone says to you, supportively and kindly, that you simply have to stop with the botox. Your face is paralyzed and it's awkward to watch. Your cheeks are stone. There's no life. God bless you for trying to be conscious of the little wrinkles we all get around our eyes, but there's a point when you don't look real anymore. It does nothing but distract us from your charming personality. Please, Renee. I implore you. Step away from the botox. Find a new addiction. Something that will keep you from looking like a caricature of yourself. Best Wishes for a Bright and More Elastic Future, 
-b 1月16日 DocumentationMy friend Kelley is in the start-up stages of opening her organization service. Have you seen "Clean Sweep?" That's the show where there professionals are called into the most disorganized homes on the planet to help the owners throw stuff away, organize what they do have and make their living spaces actually liveable. Kelley is a natural born organizer, so she will be terrific at this.
She and her husband were over for dinner last night and we were talking about why people keep things and the random emotional attachments we assign to things that really don't matter. (You should know that she's probably going to 'do' my office as one of her initial projects so she'll have some examples of what she can do for new clients. I'm DEFINITELY a keeper of random things.)
After sitting for a while talking about all this, I blurted out something like, "We keep things so there's documentation of the life. Once we throw them away, there are only memories left. It's hard to rely on the memory for long term documentation. So, really, once the papers are gone, it's not long before our existence is, too." ...hi, Debbie Downer at Dinner.
HOWEVER, I actually found great relief in this internal realization. See, the reason you can find receipts and papers and envelopes all over my house is because even when you want to TRY to rid yourself of my memory, my plan is that you'll STILL be finding little papers...a.k.a. memories of me. So, while I might be thought of as a packrat, I'm really just ensuring that my existence is fully documented...over...and over...and over...and over...
-b 1月12日 #2I got a phone message from a friend this morning. He called to congratulate me on our number #1 song. He "reluctantly" pointed out that our #1 came at his expense. Apparently, his song will be #2 and he is under the impression that our #1 secured him a final #2 slot...no chance of his #2 going to #1. I didn't know this.
The good thing about songwriting is that we're really a close community. Definitely friends here and we do celebrate one another. That's why it was so hard for him to mention the situation. It was subtle. It went something like, "Congratulations to you and Sue. I will completely hold this against you for a loooooooooong time."
Alas, this made me think of a rather cheesy movie that I personally liked...and I think I own, even. The setting was an ad agency and they were trying to come up with a celebratory ad for the fact that this mustard company had reached the #2 spot in sales. They locked themselves in a room for hours until, finally, the Jr. Account Executive played by Jennifer Aniston came up with the winner. I'd like to apply it here.
"Cindy Crawford graduated second in her class. --We're number #2, and that ain't half bad."
-b 1月11日 Necessary EvilsLook up the phrase 'necessary evil' and you find a picture of the Bluebird Cafe on Hillsboro Rd. in Nashville. I don't know anyone who likes the Bluebird. I never hear much of anything good about the establishment itself--the way the staff treats the audience, the way the owner treats people outside the industry, etc. (A side note: the wait staff has always been kind to me...especially since I started playing shows there upon occasion.) But, I know people who refuse to go (people who aren't in the biz) because they've been treated so rudely.
However, there are very few other venues like it, and certainly even fewer who can command the talent the Bluebird does. Hence, either you go and put up with it, or you miss out. Your choice.
I rarely go anymore unless I'm playing or I have a reservation. I'm not as enamoured anymore. However, I had some free time yesterday and an artist that I've liked since before most anyone knew she existed was playing, so I drove over. I was early. The doors for the early show open at 5:30. I was there at 5. I didn't realize there was going to be line, though, so by the time I actually got out of my car at 5:15 to stand with the few people who had gathered, I was already 5 people back. Within minutes, there was a long line stretched behind me.
The thing about standing in line for a show at the Bluebird is you have to listen to all the other people in the line talk about who they know in the industry, their little tidbits about the performers, their endless attempts to establish themselves as just a little bit cooler than the rest of us schmucks who are standing in the freezing cold. Set aside the standing in the cold, this chatter in and of itself makes me tired. I'm usually thinking, "If you know so many people and you're such good friends with the artist, or their publisher or whomever, then WHY are you standing in line out here? Why don't you have a reserved seat at one of their tables?"
This brings me to the next beef. As I stood there in line until 6:08 (the show started at 6:00--and I just couldn't bring myself to give up my spot in line after suffering as I had), I watched as droves of employees from the artist's label, from the artist's publisher and from the artist's management company go in and be escorted to their tables which had been reserved for them long before seats were even open to the public. One by one, another employee of some company who worked for the artist went in, while we losers stood in the 40 degree weather outside hoping for an empty seat.
Here's the thing: why call it a public show if it's really just a showcase for the label? If you are a label/managment/publishing director, you might consider letting some of the consumers who actually buy the music SEE the show. Why bother opening it up to the pubic if you're going to take all the seats? It's stupid. You have access that the rest of us don't. Schedule a private show and live it up.
Yes, I got in and the artist was terrific, just as I'd expected. The wait staff was accomodating to me, and nice. But, as I sat up on cabinet stuffed in the window with a column blocking my view of the artist's face (I didn't see her face the whole time,) I looked down at the reservation book sitting on the podium in front of me. Table after table was reserved by an industry name you may or may not know who works for the artist. Large tables. And, they were all filled with people who spent more time looking around the room trying to see who else was there than listening to the music.
I hate going places where people are just trying to be seen. That's just not my style. So, I made it an hour and then decided to leave. You just can't let stupid crap ruin the music, and it was starting to.
Meanwhile, Lori McKenna has a new record coming out in April.
-b 1月10日 new best friendsIt's a good day here at 7th Row. I have a new friend. Let me tell you our story.
I'm sound asleep at 2 AM this morning. I had a very early morning and I've had a full week...not that I really need to justify being asleep at 2 AM, though, I guess...so let's move on.
So, my phone rings. I'm half out of it and I answer. This person says in what is clearly a drunken voice, "Who's this?"
I'm sorry, what? Did you just call ME at 2 AM to ask ME who I am? Have you HEARD of southern gospel music? (haha...that one cracked ME up.) When I asked him who HE was, he got mad. I told him he had the wrong number and hung up on him.
He proceeded to call me back five more times. He learned my name because it went to voice mail twice. That was nice. A first name basis.
If there is ever a time to become a potty mouth, I would think it would be at 2 AM with a drunk stranger who has accidentally stumbled on cell phone number and won't stop calling. Lucky for him...let's call him "Jeff"...I don't have the energy for acquiring new skills when I'm awoken at that hour. So, we spoke. We talked about world peace--our hopes--our dreams--Miss USA...
He finally stopped calling after I threatened to call the police if he didn't.
(...because no one wants to mess with the phone police. Sigh...)
I may call him tomorrow morning, too. Have a great day, "Jeff!" -b 1月8日 The JourneyIs it a full moon? I'm having a particulary difficult time maintaining my usual patience with people today. I keep things with me and I usually don't share, certainly not in a forum such as this. However, I've carried this poem with me for a long time now and today I've decided to share it. It's not like it's mine anyway. The Journey
-b 1月5日 ugly bettyAmerica Ferrara should get a Golden Globe for her work on this show. Not only is her character wonderfully believable, the fact that she goes to work every day and gets 'ugly' around all the people who are made to look especially 'pretty' in contrast only makes me like her as an actress more. Frankly, even if I were getting paid lots to do it and it was just a job, I'd still be in the self-esteem institution at this point.
-b
1月4日 SuperpowersMy brother heard a comedian say the following the other day. I don't know who, so I don't have the correct person to attribute it to, but, nonetheless, I humbly admit I feel the same way...
 Meanwhile, my brother can make people fall down by wishing it on them. He's been doing this since we were younger. We'll be watching someone walk, they'll trip, and he'll say, "I made them do that." It's pretty amazing. -b
tomorrow"Future generations are going to look back at this era and ask us how we could have allowed Paris Hilton to happen, and we are not going to have a good answer." --Dave Berry
1月3日 Happy New YearJust getting back from some quality time in the forrest. I brought the New Year in around a campfire at the Land Between the Lakes in KY. Then, I climbed into my tent, got into a "mummy bag" in the 35 degree weather, and slept until those irritating squirrels woke me up the next morning. Nature is stupid loud. Seriously. I don't know how other people sleep through it. ...leaves rustling, frogs squeaking, wind blowing...
If you know me, you know I'm not a camper. I'm not in the mood to explain why I went. Suffice it to say that I hate New Year's Eve, always have, and probably always will. I find it rather depressing and so when the camping invitation was extended to me, I saw no reason to decline. The New Year's parties are the same thing every year so I knew I wouldn't miss anything.
I'm sitting here now having a decent amount of knee pain after twisting it in a hidden hole yesterday while walking to the port-a-pot. Yes, a port-a-pot. I made it down the hill just fine and fell at the bottom, on relatively flat ground, after finding the hole covered by the leaves. I jammed my leg in and hyperextended my knee a little. As I sat there on the ground sobbing (I have a pretty high pain tolerance, just fyi), in that moment, I thought, "All this to pee in a port-a-pot." The port-a-pot was the big reward. ...nice.
-b
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