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December 31 Civic DutiesI live in Davidson County.
I am a registered voter.
Theives broke into the Metro Election Commission and stole the computers with up to 300,000 voters' social security numbers and names.
All they had to do is throw a rock through a window and they were in...and THEN they had enough time to steal all of our personal information.
I have a feeling that this one is going to be a thorn for years to come. 
I guess I can take comfort in that there are 299,999 other people who are in this boat with me.
-b
HNY!Happy New Year's Eve. 
I don't know if I've mentioned this to you before, but I hate New Year's Eve. Ever since I can remember, it has depressed me. Time just keeps passing, and that means there are fewer hours and minutes to accomplish what I want to in life and fewer hours and minutes to be with the people I love. I started getting irritable yesterday (which is a bit of an early start, I admit) and it hasn't stopped yet.
 If I had any sense about myself, I'd just go home and go to bed at a reasonable hour and sleep through it. But, because I'd feel like a complete loser if I did that, I'll stay up. I may even do something tonight--go to dinner, go to a party...yeah, there are options, but none of them are appealing. Thank goodness Jim is fine either way. And, he's good at ignoring my oddities...of which there are many. Last year he took me camping on New Year's Eve. I admit that there's no time for depression when you're outside in 26 degree weather knowing that you're sleeping out in it. However, that extreme distraction wasn't a possibility this year with my other obligations.
Anyway, in an attempt to reframe New Year's Eve, my brother and I were trying to think of things that are celebration worthy for this year.
I've decided to celebrate three things:
And frankly, gang, if I can't celebrate those three things, then I just don't deserve to be happy.
Thanks for hanging out with me in '07. Aside from a few freaks here and there that we're pretty good at weeding out, you all have made the year a better one.
Be safe-
-b
December 28 5th Graders...for SueOkay, I played the game, "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader," on Christmas Eve. 
I suppose the answer is no. I am smarter than at least one third grader, though.
I've never watched the television show so I don't know how it works, but on the board game, you must answer two questions from each grade. I started with first grade and easily moved through second. Then I answered the first third grade question and got it right. I lost on my second third grade question.
BUT, I have to say I was robbed on my missed question.
The question was something like, "What were the wars over the Gaza strip called?" My answer, and I peeked at my uncle's answer and it matched mine, was "the holy wars." The answer? The Crusades.
When you look up Holy Wars on wikipedia, they are synonomous with Crusades. So, it's the same thing, but since I didn't use the word on the card, I lost. It's a bunch of bull if you ask me. I hate that game and I hate the stupid questions. It's dumb and the little pieces are stupid and the colors are ugly...and I'm not bitter.
-b December 24 Christmas EveMerry Christmas Eve, gang!
I'm about to find out if I'm smarter than a 5th grader. My aunt and uncle are here with the board game which shall tell. No one is holding their breath, are they? ha
I just watched a DVD of Patty Griffin in NYC my brother gave to me for Christmas. Have I mentioned that I worship the ground she floats above? Well, I do. And you should, too.
Here's a side: Last night Lucinda Williams was on Austin City Limits. My Mom and Dad are still belly laughing about how bad they think she is. Mom just broke out in a giggle in the middle of the Patty DVD. I keep telling them that my friends will think they're cool because we watched a Lucinda Williams show as a family at Christmas. My dad (who, you'll remember, thinks camouflage matches everything) told me not to tell anyone that he watched that. My Mom told him that people will just feel sorry for him.
Perspectives keep the world turning, I suppose.
Anyway, I hope you are eating way more than you are comfortable eating and that this holiday brings you whatever it is you wish for.
Peace, my friends--
-b December 23 Christmas Eve EveI've loved the comments and the emails you all have sent me regarding the writing challenge. We are all so weird. I can't share them all with you (Tom, I still haven't found yours in my email--Joel says you're a wimp?), but suffice it to say that maybe the reason we all come here every now and then is because we're all kind of crazy in the same way, and that makes us quite fun.
I'm in West Virginia now.
My brother hasn't finished wrapping presents. He likes it when I continually bring to his attention that I'm finished wrapping and he's not. It brings him lots of joy. He LOVES wrapping presents.
 Mom just had to make a Wal-Mart run. At this time of year for me, Wal-Mart seems like what hell would be like on Earth. 'Tis the season.
Dad, of course, is watching the hunting channel. Another definition of hell on Earth. He watches this channel incessantly. The bad pre-taped shows with camcorder quality clips of men shooting deer. My brother and I finally broke the news to Dad last night: Dad, it's the SAME DEER. They just filmed it from several different angles, and now you watch it get shot over and over again 24 hours a day. ...we felt it was time. Of course with Dad being one who believes that camouflage matches everything, you can imagine how he didn't give any weight to our hunting channel intervention. Well, Merry Christmas anyway.
Pete is snoring on the bed next to me and Ruby (Dad's chihuahua--or as he refers to her, my "crack baby") is asleep on his lap. The wind is blowing at about 40 MPH--seriously--and I'm piled up with a diet coke and my lap top about to indulge in a video game.
All is well.
And to my friends in NYC right now, I miss you. Wish I could be two places at once. Cheers!
-b
December 20 I Dare YouA challenge for my readers who write:
Write a song (or a story) in which all words consist of only one syllable. No cheating. A full song (or story) of only one-syllable words.
I've done a few of these and it's rocking my little world.
It forces me to consider words I would have never considered otherwise. 
Let me know how it goes. (<---previous sentence filled with one-syllable words. Thank you, goodnight!)
-b ManipulativeGang, I present to you the most manipulative song of all time. I'm not telling you to hate it or to like it, I'm just saying that it takes the cake. And Rory Feek and Tim Johnson are going to make a mint off of it even if they ARE donating half the proceeds to St. Judes.
-b Three things...Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears' mother writing a book on PARENTING????? Could someone BE less self-aware??? I'm going to write a book on how to become a billionaire.
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Remember me telling you about the lady who farts...er...I mean 'passes wind' [that's for Mom]...every time she walks? Remember how I told you she was also mean and hateful? I'd like to also add that she doesn't have an "inside" voice. It's all "outside" voice. Now she's discovered her cell phone and she is on it CONSTANTLY. She is the single most offensive, obnoxious and loud person I've ever encountered. I've become almost fascinated with her...from a distance, of course.
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I've been having great difficulty wrapping Christmas presents because every time I roll the paper out on the floor, Pete walks over and stands on it. Last night he actually laid down on it. I don't know what that's about.
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-b December 19 Just thinking out loudI was writing with someone last night who has seen a lot more of the hard side of life than I have. He's got some scars. We were talking about something and he very casually said, "Christians themselves are Christianity's worst enemy," and then he went on playing that guitar like he'd not said a thing.
It's something to think about.
-b
December 18 SecretsI so wish I could tell you what I've done.
I can't.
So don't even ask.
You'd think I'm terrible person (or a worse person than you might already think I am.) Either way, just know that for the people who can know what I've done, they're highly amused. I actually surprised myself. Joel even sent me an email telling me I'm "brilliant." Direct quote. I do feel that I should take a second to thank D. for making it all possible.
I've been giggling all day. 
-b Reptile AversionsOkay, I'm ready for suggestions. How do you make nightmares stop?
I'm having lots of issues with alligators and crocodiles while I'm sleeping. I'm talking the big ones--12/14 feet long, fat ones. They stalk me. Every time I think I'm safe in the dream, I realize they can still get me. Last night I was up on the bank and they were in the shallow green water just watching me. There were four of them. Now, how my canoe got overturned on the other side of the green creek (yes, creek) is beyond me.
Still, I felt safe--I just wouldn't get back in the water. But, at the very moment I remembered they could come out of the water, they did! They came after me. I had to climb that flimsy tree. Very stressful, gang. Very stressful.
Following are some...er...helpful dream interpretations I've found on the net. I'm not really sold.
December 16 Gloria in Excelsis DeoOkay, class. Pay attention. This is important.
Gloria in Excelsis Deo.
This phrase alone can nearly make or break an entire Christmas record for me.
It is a Latin phrase, meaning it is not English. None of it is English. And, so when an artist pronounces the word "in" with the English pronunciation right in the middle of the phrase, and not "een" (ee, as in, we), as is the Latin pronunication, it irks me beyond words.
I've been listening to Christmas music lately, of course, and I've realized I haven't heard the phrase pronounced correctly once on any of my contemporary recordings--Avalon? No. Steven Curtis Chapman? No. Josh Groban? No. I could go on and on.
If we're going to say it in English, then just say, "Glory to God in the Highest," and be done with it. But, if you're going to do the Latin one, then do it correctly. Gloria 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen' Excelsis Deo.
You'll sound a lot less redneck and I'll buy your record.
-b December 14 More on CowsSomeone stole $2000 from my brother's bank accounts. They made four $500 withdrawals yesterday. Luckily, he caught it right away and called. They told him to go to his branch today and the manager could credit at least half of it back today, and then the rest would take about ten days. So, he went to his Citibank branch. The manager, Orlando, refused to come down and speak to him saying he was too busy. He sent word that it would be 10 days before the money was credited (too late for Christmas shopping, gang) and that he couldn't do a credit.
Orlando was too busy to help.
Orlando is a raging cow's anus.
The thieves...yes...the dung spewed forth from the raging cow's anus. 
...breathe in Jesus, breathe out love...breathe in Jesus, breathe out love...
-b
December 13 Inclinations of ChristmasThe wrapping of the presents has begun. I wrapped the first two of the '07 season for Jim last night...and I used double stick tape. Yep, you heard me right--double stick tape...which sticks to everything... no matter where you set it down...and the kind on which you easily lose the edge so you have to hold it up to the light to find the edge AGAIN so that you don't have to cut it again with that X-acto knife...every time... Yeah. That kind.
Anyway, I was a regular Martha Stewart, if I do say so myself. And the finished products were stunning. Dazzling, actually. 
I'd like for you to think that I fought with the double stick tape because I have a standard of excellence for my present wrapping. The truth is, I was out of scotch tape and Jim had to mail the gifts today for them to make it to Alaska on time, and he was completely fine with putting them in a plastic Wal-Mart bag and sending them off. Boys can be stupid. So, while I had no choice, I prefer for you to think I'm just that Christmas-inclined.
You're impressed. I know.
-b December 12 Did you hear that?I met this man today who was, apparently, a rather famous NFL player. ...as was his one brother...and his other brother...and now his son. I didn't know this, of course.
He was really a very nice fellow. Surprisingly so given what I now know. 
I said, "Oh, did you play for <such and such> team in the NFL? That's interesting." As the conversation went on, I realized that this guy was not only huge in his day, he also has been featured on the cover of Sports Illustrated. Okay, so that's impressive.
Then he says with pride, "Well, I'm part of the <family name> football family."
"The who?" I ask.
"The <family name> football family," he repeats expectantly.
"Hmmm. I'm sorry. That just really doesn't mean anything to me." Then I helpfully add, " But I'm sure you did a good job."
That whoosh of air you heard was his ego deflating.
Leave it to me, gang. "I'm sure you did a good job???" What was that?!?!? I sounded so condescending...
-b
invisible carsI had to run lots of errands yesterday. I was all over town, and I had to be the most defensive driver ever. People were cutting me off, pulling out in front of me, crossing multiple lanes of traffic...it was like I was in a video game or something. Then, I realized what had happened. I'd accidentally pushed that button on my dash which makes my car invisible...
-b December 10 Weekend Dream ReviewGood morning, gang. It's a dreary, muggy, misty day in Nashvegas. Where's winter, I ask you? Where the heck is WINTER?!?!?!? I like snow at Christmas. Granted, I haven't had snow at Christmas for years, but it's what I grew up with and I'm not inclined to reprogram at this age. Jim wants to live in Alaska some day. I actually said 'maybe.' Of course, then I said I'd have to visit all the mental institutions before embarking on a move to so much darkness because I would surely find myself in one. I just couldn't do a, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest," thing. I digress, though, as usual.
So I dreamed I wrote with Don Henley. Yes, Don Henley of the Eagles. Honestly, it wasn't going well. There were something like 8 guys in the room (problem "A") and no one had a good idea (problem "B"). Finally, I said, "Don, let's just write an anti-war song," and I started playing this riff on the guitar (yes, we know it was definitely a dream). He grinned, told everyone else to leave, and he and I proceeded to write this awesome tune called, "The Enemy is in our Own Backyard," and then I woke up...and I'm too embarrassed to tell you the rest of lyric because the song was so, so, so, so, so bad. But it felt good, and that's something.
Then, I dreamed that Tony told me that our song, "Imagine," had fallen off Barry Manilow's new record because the pronouns were wrong. The track was done and everything and Barry dropped it because of the pronouns. We were not happy. "Barry, change the stinking pronoun already!!!" Of course, I can tell you now that I'm awake that Tony and I have never written a song called, "Imagine."
We have written a song called, "What Heaven Sees," though, and, lately, they've been playing it on the radio at home a lot. I heard it driving back from Thanksgiving. It came on and I thought, "I kind of like this. Wonder who wrote it. Sue? Joel?" Then we got to the chorus and I thought, "Oh, I wrote that. Tony and I. No wonder I like it." So, anyway, Mom called Thursday morning and told me that Dad made her stop talking so he could turn up that good song on the radio.
I like that my Dad has so much confidence in me.
And speaking of Dad, he gave me my very first record ever, The Eagles' Greatest Hits. So, at least we can confirm that he has good taste.
-b
...how about that for a full circle blog...
December 07 Jesus, Take the Wheel......and get this freak out of my car. From NewsChannel5.com: "DYERSBURG, Tenn. - A 92-year old grandmother from Dyersburg talked a would-be robber out of taking her money, by praying with him. Pauline Jacobi just finished putting her groceries in her car, when a man got into her passenger seat. That man told Jacobi he had a gun, and he would shoot her if she didn't give him all her money. The spunky 92-year old said no, and then she started talking with the would-be robber. "I said Jesus is in this car and he goes with me everywhere I go. He just looked around and the tears just began coming down his eyes," Jacobi said. Jacobi talked with the man for several more minutes. Then he said he was going to go home and pray. The grandmother then willingly gave him all the money she had on her, which was $10." Pauline is my new hero. I'd like to pretend I would've done the same, but the truth is I'd probably be dead right now. And the fact that she gave him everything she had on her in the end, because she wanted to, well, gang, that's real Love in action. To Pauline! -b
December 06 People...who need people...are the luckiest people...I know a lot of extraordinarily talented people.
I don't mean that I know people who are good at things, I'm talking extraordinary people. The big fish in the big pond...those kind of people.
Feeling inadequate all the time is starting to get a little old!!!
 -b |
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